the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
buying dead houseplants to save time
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My love language is deader than Latin
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Godspeed, John Glenn
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo