If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You Might Also Like
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Bro what is this
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
me when the borders lift
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio