Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.