If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts