Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
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I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Yes my dude
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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CRYING
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.