Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
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I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.