WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
You Might Also Like
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!