I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
2022 be like
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.