ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
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Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
jesus, what did this guy do
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.