”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.