Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”