Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”