Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
#growingpains
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
what?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Guantanamo Bae
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.