[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
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Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Google assistant rules
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.