Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
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“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I only look at Wordle for the articles
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor