ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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I’ve had relationships like this
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
You are not alone 💚
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
become ungovernable
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Did I do this right