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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
March 16
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
A wise man once said nothing.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.