People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question