Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me trying to reach for my goals
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.