God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
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APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.