“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
that lip filler tho
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
me 2 months after i graduated
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.