Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
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Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
plums roundup
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*