girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.