I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Can’t stop laughing
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.