I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
me after eating Cheetos
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone