Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up