NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
You Might Also Like
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Mornin
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart