[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.