Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend