My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
it was a valiant fight
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.