The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
me adding lol on a serious message
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.