This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
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Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
This rocks
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya