You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
You Might Also Like
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I camp so other people don’t have to.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN