husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
You Might Also Like
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.