I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises