My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.