Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Stop.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
just got my engagement photos
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.