When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
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Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
A new level of troll.
Why is no one talking about this?!
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
What’s a Messi?
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl