Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”