Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
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Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice