“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
yea so i messed up lol
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?