*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
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Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Missionary, so we can keep arguing