I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
You Might Also Like
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
We’ve all been there…
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger