I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Tuesday
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect