It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?