Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”