Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I’m putting together a team
Why soy sad?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.