I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no