Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
plums roundup
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.