Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Cat is stressing him out.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening